Holy God was last night fun- that show gets me all riled up! I don't want to ruin too many plot points, especially with repeat-happy MTV the joy of stumbling upon an episode you've never seen and don't know anything about is a delight I wouldn't ruin for my worst enemy. Speaking of enemies, I want to kick Spencer in the left nut. Anywho... First of all, I just absolutely love the look of The Hills. I think the establishing LA shots are gorgeous and dreamy, and combined with the music- these interstitials immediately bring you into Lauren's sunny little California world. Unfortunately we find our heroine in a less than sunshiney place as she comes into the Teen Vogue offices in the first episode. Lauren informs Whitney that Heidi and Spencer have been spreading nasty rumors about her, including a story that she and her ex-boyfriend Jason have made a sex tape. I really appreciate how The Hills tries to downplay the size of Lauren's problems with Heidi and Spencer- in real life, because LC's on a television show, the rumors about her are well-known throughout America due to tabloid web sites and magazines. But if Lauren were to say "yo, bitch- my mom read in US weekly that you call me beef curtains", then the show would become a show about being on a show. And that's just too meta and no fun. So, bravo to MTV for telling lies so that I can believe in their "regular-girls-in-Los Angeles" reality. 

I have to say that it was actually uncomfortable for me to watch Heidi be jilted at her housewarming party. Spencer is a soul-less, borderline brain-damaged miscreant who doesn't care for anyone but himself. Heidi, on the other hand, is just an immature bitch that has made a few wrong turns. I'm sure it's difficult to be the best friend when you want to be the star. And then here comes this rich, cocky, Ryan Phillipe on crack & stupid pills playboy, and he's telling you that YOU should be famous in your own right...I can understand how one might get swept up in that. Exposing that Spencer’s “brainwashing” may have not been complete were those SAD shots of Heidi’s hopeful eyes locked on the door (yes I know that it was possibly an editing trick, but whatevs), waiting for Lauren. Another highlight was Heidi accepting the consolation prize friend, the sucky Jen Bunny, and obviously hating every second of it. Hahahhahah you two deserve each other.

Back in Lauren and Audrina's new apartment, LC is moving on with her life and while obviously troubled by the loss of Heidi and the rumors, she’s not destroyed. I feel very motherly towards Lauren, is that weird? Like I’m so proud of her strength and think she’s doing a great job navigating a tough town. Audrina, on the other hand, I could take or leave. She’s loyal, for sure, which Lauren needs, but without much direction of her own. Audrina might be loyal to an old shoe if the shoe would go to brunch with her and get her in to Le Deux.

I did really like Audrina’s plot line in the second episode- She’s getting back together with her old beau who didn’t treat her very well in the past. This was entertaining first and foremost because the boy in question, Justin (or Bobby, or Justin Bobby) is a HUGE tool, but also in that Lauren had to adjust to another friend begin to change their relationship status. Let’s hope things go better this time.

Obviously, if you watched the second episode you know that there was a big surprise regarding Spencer and Heidi- a surprise lessened by photos that came out earlier this summer of Heidi wearing an engagement ring. I don’t even want to talk about this because I don’t believe anything that Spencer does. I think he knows that an engagement will be good TV and more drama- but the rest of the show feels so authentic to me that this lie is so obvious and forced. Spencer, you wannabe svengali- you suck and you’re screwing up my show. Beat it. Oh, and on the off chance that I’m wrong and he really does love that fake-boobed loser, then…congrats to the happy couple!!! Hooray!

Standouts of the evening: Lauren’s mom, giving great and loving advice; Brody Jenner being the voice of reason as he counsels Spence through a big decision (weird, right?); and Audrina’s shady ex Justin that ditched her in Vegas that one time (YOU’RE KILLING ME); most importantly, Lauren and Audrina’s cat…IN A TINY SWEATER!!

I thought that Audrina, Justin, Spencer, and Heidi were all exposed in some way in these first two eps And this is what always delights and surprises me about this show: the way that it capitalizes on the fact that their desire to be on television far outweighs their intelligence. Heidi, Spencer, it’s SO OBVIOUS THAT YOU’RE LYING. GET AWAY FROM THE CAMERAS, QUICK! But they don’t, and thank goodness. It’s so entertaining to watch someone lie- to their friends, to themselves. It’s painful, but oh so fun.

Alright, that’s enough. I think it’s going to be a great season, and hopefully Heidi will eventually have a mental breakdown and then one of her boobs will pop and she’ll admit all of her lies and offer the leaking silicone to Lauren as a sacrifice- thus cleansing her of her sin and repairing their friendship. I can’t wait for next week!