07.23.07 From the Vixen
Celebs > Gay men I would like to have sex with
Six individuals that put the (I want to have) sex (with you) in "homosexual" and the g(ee I wish you were at least bi) in "gay".
I loves me a gay man as much as the next person, which realistically probably indicates that I don’t like them at all, and would in fact quite like to be allowed to move so that they are no longer “the next person” if you wouldn’t mind, but that is quite the contrary. Gay, straight, bisexual, asexual, omnisexual, it’s all the same to me. There is, however, the occasional circumstance (although it seems to be happening more frequently as of late) in which I am introduced to a celebrity (not literally) and wish to creepily daydream about them, only to find that they are playing for the other team. They’re packing a box lunch. They’re a friend of Dorothy. They’re putting in the rough. They’re light in the loafers. But does that make me want to have sex with them any less? Nope.
1. Simon Amstell
2 parts geek, 3 parts chic, 4 parts asshole and 5 parts wit with a mass of brown curls as a cherry of sorts, Simon Amstell is quite possibly the strangest object of attraction for a straight girl on the list and the most overtly gay by looks alone. However, to give you a better idea of his character, let us consider the following pieces of information. In the years that he has been involved in television he has:
-Been fired from Nickelodeon for being rude and sarcastic to children
-Made Britney Spears cry
-Provoked one of his guests on the show that he hosts, Never Mind the Buzzcocks, to walk off the set:
If you don’t like him now then I don’t think we can be friends anymore.
I was first introduced to Amstell through the program you see above which is pretty much a panel show wrapped up in the guise of a music-oriented quiz. The guests are constantly heckled and berated by Simon and his co-hosts of sorts, Phill Jupitus and Bill Bailey, although in the (usually) classiest of fashions, with Amstell normally heading the pack. He has genius comedic timing, biting wit and no boundaries for whom and how he attacks; even when he’s the brunt of playful harassment, concerning his homosexuality or not, he manages to twist the situation and pull out another joke that may or may not be at his own expense. In summation: he can both dish it out and take it.
He is also oddly cute in a nerdy sort of way.
To anyone that values humor, intellect, badasses and Brits, Simon Amstell is prime real estate, only he’s the 19th century kind that only men could own.
2. Rupert Everett
Just as a warning, the justification for this one is completely shallow, which will be evident momentarily.
Have you seen the film version of A Midsummer Night’s Dream? You haven’t, it’s okay, I think I’m one of the five that did. Go watch it, come back. Okay, having seen that, you should (a) have complete confirmation that Rupert Everett is gay and (b) be very depressed because of it. The man. Is. Gorgeous. Plain and simple. From his face to his physique to his voice, he’s just stunning. I’m actually not that familiar with his work (apart from the obviously aforementioned), and I don’t really need to be, because that picture says it all. The man, to coin a phrase, has got it going on. I think having both him and Christian Bale in the same movie, each with their shirts off in at least one scene, should probably be illegal. Or something. Have you gotten the razor blades out yet?
3. John Barrowman
I first had the pleasure of seeing John Barrowman in action on the sci-fi TV show Doctor Who (one of my favorites) in which he plays an omnisexual time agent by the name of Captain Jack Harkness. Head writer Russell T. Davies (who happens to be gay as well and is also wonderful) loved him so much that he made the spin-off series, Torchwood, within which Jack was instated as the main character. In both series he is charismatic, flirtatious and completely badass, and his screen presence is such that it’s difficult not to fall head over heels for him. This is equally as true for the actor himself.
John Barrowman is the single gayest individual I have ever seen in my life in both senses of the word. He sings, dances, ice skates, and just delights in being John Barrowman. Every interview he’s in, he’s amiable, he’s glowing, and he’s completely gracious. There’s a show called Doctor Who Confidential that goes behind the scenes of each episode, and in one of the ones in which he was featured, the crew shows him lying in the mud, during a storm, and he’s singing. Singing. Singing “Singing in the Rain”, specifically. Then later he jokes about having a mud bath and a facial peel while he’s lying in the mud during a freezing rainstorm. The man cannot be broken and it’s too damn cute. He’s also secretly Scottish, but whenever he makes public appearances he speaks with an American accent. I heard his regular voice and it’s just as unbearably adorable as you’d imagine it to be. Now that you’ve read all that, take a look at him (special treat: he was on Never Mind the Buzzcocks [you can imagine how excited I was about that] so you get another dose of Simon Amstell):
He’s perfect, right? I found another Youtube video in which he’s reading a bedtime story to a camera so kids can watch it before they go to sleep. I literally cannot handle it. The man is all that is good in the world.
4. George Takei
Oh my.
5. Chuck Palahniuk
So, I learned Chucky P was gay, literally, a day ago. Conveniently, if someone had asked me if I wanted to have sex with Chuck Palahniuk even before this particular piece of information was brought to my attention, I would’ve said yes. And thus, here we are.
One of our most inventive and innovative modern writers (Fight Club, Choke, Lullaby, Haunted, Diary, Invisible Monsters, etc. etc.), in my humble opinion, Chuck Palahniuk has demonstrated his wit, insight and intellect time and time again through themes laced throughout the content of his novels, the resonance and depth of his characters and his unique and engaging literary style. Anyone can attest to Fight Club’s monumental success in its film form at the very least, and seeing Brad Pitt without his shirt on and Edward Norton and Brad Pitt wrestling about are not the only reasons for this. Or, if they are, they shouldn’t be. Although that doesn’t stop those two instances from being enjoyable. Anyway.
Palahniuk is attractive for the simple fact that he’s really goddamn interesting and intelligent. Or he must be, if he can churn out this many really goddamn interesting and intelligent books. He’s also incredibly gracious with and receptive of his fans. Not too long ago, his website announced that he would read and personally respond to every single letter or email he received within a certain period of time. In addition to these individually specified responses, Palahniuk provided a care package filled with random goodies and significant items for each person just to be a nice guy. You’d be hard pressed to find an author that would do the same.
Plus, as an added bonus, he ain’t half bad lookin’.
6. Stephen Fry
First, watch this clip:
That should really tell you anything you need to know, but I’ll elaborate just in case. You might recognize Stephen Fry from V for Vendetta as the gay TV show host that Evie shacks up with for a bit (unbeknownst to me at the time I saw the movie was that he was actually gay; Stephen Fry was another “him too?!” moment for me) or perhaps you heard about that one episode of House he was supposed to guest star in which made all those aware of the existence of A Bit of Fry and Laurie die of fan-related heart attacks and then die a second death when it didn't actually happen. In any case, Stephen Fry is incredibly British and is also, either independent of or in direct correlation to his nationality, adorable. His mannerisms are personalized and eloquent, as is his speech and demeanor, which makes it all the more endearing and effective when he dances around like a ninny.
That being said (although this might serve simply as a reiteration), the greatest appeal of Stephen Fry is that he is a proper British gentleman, with all the politeness and regality that the stereotype necessitates, with a great propensity for humor. He would open your door and serve you some tea and then make a crack at something with the greatest of intelligence and integrity. Fry is someone that seems to command immediate respect; you see him and think, “this fellow knows what’s what, and he’s quite modest about it too” and you immediately wish to befriend him so he can open your doors and serve you tea and make cracks at things with the greatest of intelligence and integrity all the time.
I mean, just watch that clip again. I can’t do it without wanting to give him a hug. He’s like a large, homosexual, English, dancing teddy bear. And I don’t say that about everyone.
Written by Ashly Burch
