Snow White, Aurora, Jasmine, Mulan, Cinderella, Belle, Ariel, Pocahontas; they’ve had it in for each other for centuries now and there’s no happily-ever-after that will placate their insatiable desire to be the fairest of them all. Only brute force. The crowns and gowns are coming off, and only one will sing the final song of victory. Welcome to the Disney Princess Deathmatch.

Missed the first match? ROUND ONE is HERE.

ROUND TWO:
JASMINE VS. MULAN

They’d both be able to get into college with greater success than their white counterparts, but who will come out victorious in round two of the Disney Princess Deathmatch?! 

“Once Upon a Time…”

Contrasting from the previous round, these two contestants give us a bit more to sink our teeth into in terms of story. Allow us to examine:

-Jasmine is a princess who is restless and disconcerted with her lot in life. She’s being forced into marriage (for what reason, I could not rightly guess. I mean, her dad’s old but it isn’t like he’s going to croak anytime soon, so it isn’t like he needs a successor immediately. Apparently this doctrine of a necessary marriage by the age of 18 is also supported by law, which is equally as baffling. Why would their government take the time to throw that in? Talk about plot device. I mean, it’s not like this is a kid’s movie or anything), she can’t go outside the palace walls and…well, that’s pretty much it. She decides one day that she’s going to R-U-N-N-O-F-T, stumbles about the marketplace in Agrabah, meets a guy that looks like he could be her brother (ew), falls in love with him (ew), thinks he’s dead, meets him later when he’s in prince attire and doesn’t immediately recognize him (seems the “bit dull” personality aspect is a common theme), decides she’s going to marry him (and macks on him in a pretty graphic way for a cartoon. Also; ew), but wait, oh shit, tricked ya, he’s actually a peasant, kisses Jafar (ew), almost drowns in sand, gets saved, and then marries pseudo-brother (ew).

VS.

-Mulan lives in China with her mother, father and grandmother and as is accustomed to their culture (as far as Disney is concerned, and we know how reliable they are), the extent that is required of her as a woman is to meet the matchmaker’s standards so that she can assign a husband who can provide for the girl for the rest of her life (they lay on the pressure pretty thick, too; singing about how this is the only way for her to honor her family is a bit much, I feel). Mulan fucks this up slightly, as you might imagine, since if it went the other route, we wouldn’t have much of a story. It would be “Mulan passes her test, gets married and does menial housework for fifty years until she dies of old age or depression.” Anyway, blah, blah, sees her reflection, blah. Now to the meat of it. Her father is given a notice that requires him to reenter the Chinese army and give his services toward the war effort against the ruthless, maniacal, what have you, Huns. He’s grown, however, very decrepit and fragile with age, and Mulan fears/knows that if he goes, he’s going to die. So what does she do? Steals his shit, does a bit of cross dressing, completely owns everyone at everything (you think you’re good at something, but I guarantee Mulan is better. If Mulan wanted my job, I would be obligated to give it to her based on this fact. And even if I didn’t, she’d just kill me and take it anyway) saves the day, gets the guy; all in a day’s work.

Now when you compare these two women, it’s really not difficult to see which one has more going for them. Jasmine is something of a departure from the helpless princess stereotype; she has some spunk to her (see “Miss Personality”), but spunk doesn’t trump leading a fucking army.

MULAN: 1

JASMINE: 0

Miss Personality

I mentioned spunk earlier, so we may as well jump right into that and start with Jasmine. Jasmine…has spunk. So…do with that what you will. She can do some back talking, throw some insults at you; she isn’t the meek, submissive, absent princess that Disney has built its legacy upon, and she will give you shit if there is shit to give. She doesn’t like being a piece of meat to be auctioned for marriage (albeit a pretty piece of meat by most people’s standards. Her waist is infinitesimal and her boobs are huge, so by any degree of logic or gravity, she really shouldn’t be able to walk on her own), she wants freedom from it, so she leaves. Jasmine is a woman of action, you might say; at least to the extent that she can be given her life experience (so some of the ‘action’ constitutes ‘running to daddy’). Of course, she does get caught (even with Aladdin’s assistance), but you can’t really blame her since she’s never been outside the palace walls (you can blame her for some of the stupid things she does, though. Not knowing you have to pay for an apple? Come on now. Surely she has at least an infant’s grasp of economics). She also resents the notion that marriage should be based predominately on financial standing and appearances, which is good, but she was also willing to kiss a guy she’d met roughly an hour or so prior, which is bad (it’s also something of a throw back to the princesses from our last round; a bad thing, I feel). Her morals are pretty intact and she cares deeply about her father (who is AWESOME [as will be discussed later]), and when Jafar goes apeshit and takes over the palace, she does her best to be venomous and/or spunky to him, and later lends herself to the war effort by using her feminine wiles to distract him by kissing him, which, if you recall; ew. So, in summary; Jasmine ain’t so bad. She’s got the gusto to stand up for what she believes in and she realizes that the foundation of marriage isn’t money. Unfortunately, however, she does retain some of the similar characteristics of previous princesses; quick to fall in love, kind of dimwitted at times, and even though she leaves the palace presumably with the intention of securing a better, more exciting life, in the end it’s evident that all she really wanted was a husband that wasn’t a total ass. Well, good for her, but there’s more to life than Aladdin.

Then of course there’s Mulan with the good ol’ fish-out-of-water insecurity story. It’s a common character trait, but that’s only because so many people share that experience, so you can’t really count her down for it. The big thing that we get with Mulan that we don’t with Jasmine, though, is the personality journey, and the provocation of that journey is much more commendable than Jasmine’s story. Jasmine is pretty much consistent in personality and mentality throughout the duration of the film; this is mostly because the central protagonist was Aladdin, but then, Aladdin didn’t really go through leaps and bounds in character either. Mulan and Jasmine are similar in that they are both presented with one mold within which they don’t fit, but rather than finding a guy that will help her fit that mold like Jasmine, Mulan blows up the mold with one of her Chinese rockets, and we see her change significantly because of it. I mean, that’s the main point of the movie. It takes incomprehensibly large balls to do what Mulan does, and all out of love and concern for her father, which is a very inherent and admirable compassion that everyone can relate to in some way. She’s scared, obviously, and timid, and tries a bit too hard, but, as they say, when the going gets tough, the tough get going, and she does just that. Just check the training montage:

She totally owns, right? Pretty clever, too, with the weight things. So we see Mulan evolve from someone with determination who sucks a bit, to a Mulan with determination who totally rocks out in the army with her proverbial cock out. She’s strong, smart, independent, but still endearingly clumsy and somewhat socially awkward despite being a total badass, and getting the guy is just something of an added bonus. It wasn’t her original intent and without it she wouldn’t feel any less accomplished or proud of herself. In summation, Mulan is a bit of awesome. As said before, Jasmine isn’t bad, but she really doesn’t stand up in comparison to Mulan.

MULAN: 2

JASMINE: 0

‘Cause You Gotta Have Friends

 

This one is a little more difficult to judge. Mulan has a tiny dragon who serves only as comic relief, a cricket, and a really big army at her disposal, while Jasmine has a monkey who only serves as plot device, a magic carpet, A TIGER and A GENIE. The scales would lean in Mulan’s favor if the Genie was still enslaved, given that he could only do three entertaining things and then he’d just sort of sit around (unless he became part of the blue man group; then he’d be entertaining all the time! Ba dum tss) but since he’s free he can do whatever the hell he wants anytime of the day or night. I mean, armies are cool, but they aren’t exactly rare commodities. It’s difficult to find a Genie nowadays. Also, Raja could eat Mushu and the cricket. Also also, Jasmine's dad is the single greatest character in that film. Building elaborate towers out of animal figurines; insisting that he ride on the magic carpet like a mad man? I adore him.

MULAN: 2

JASMINE: 1

Hunk-a Burnin’ Love
 

Well, first off, like I said before, Aladdin and Jasmine look like they’re siblings, which is weird for a number of reasons. At least Disney differentiated between Shang and Mulan, which is actually impressive and difficult to accomplish because Asians all look the same (ouuuuch! I know, right? It’s cool; I’m half-Asian. Because that makes it okay). I’d talk about how annoying Aladdin’s voice is, but whenever Shang sings he becomes Donny Osmond and that’s just…you know, strange. Shang is decidedly more badass (badasser?) than Aladdin is, though, and he doesn’t whine about people calling him street rat. Mostly because he isn’t one, but that’s beside the point. I mean, if I had to choose between them, I’d pick Shang; Aladdin’s a nice guy and all but I think he’d grate on you after a while. Although Shang might be gay? You know he had to have something of a thing for Mulan when she was pretending to be a guy. We’ll call it a tie.

NO POINTS AWARDED

But What of the Children?

As aforementioned, both of these ladies would make pretty good role models for younger girls, but while Jasmine strives mostly only to find a suitable and worthy husband (although that is admirable in its own right, it still perpetuates the misconception that the main necessity for women is to be married), Mulan uses her courage and perseverance to help her father, bring pride to her family, and, you know, save of all of China. As they say, feminine empowerment for the win.

MULAN: 3

JASMINE: 1

Mortal Combat

As aforementioned, at her aid Jasmine has a genie, a tiger, a monkey, a magic carpet, and a husband. Mulan has a tiny dragon, a cricket, and the entire Chinese army. Oh, and a horse. This would be an interesting, and I imagine prolonged fight, but at the end the fact that Jasmine has a genie would probably ensure her victory. I mean, Mulan could come up with countless stratagems, and I’m sure they’d all be very clever, but a genie’s a genie. If the army tried to surround him, he’d split himself a thousand ways and completely own everything in his path. Jasmine could even just hang out in the sky on her magic carpet and not have to do shit. Mulan could try to blast her down with a rocket, but I have a feeling that the genie would intervene. I mean, she has Mushu, but let’s be honest; Mushu’s worthless. Also, the Raja-eating-him factor remains.

MULAN: 3

JASMINE: 2

Despite that, however, Mulan still has one more point than Jasmine, making her our victor!

VICTOR:
MULAN





NEXT TIME: CINDERELLA VS. BELLE
THE LEGENDARY BLONDE VS. BRUNETTE BATTLE