Snow White, Aurora, Jasmine, Mulan, Cinderella, Belle, Ariel, Pocahontas; they’ve had it in for each other for centuries now and there’s no happily-ever-after that will placate their insatiable desire to be the fairest of them all. Only brute force. The crowns and gowns are coming off, and only one will sing the final song of victory. Welcome to the Disney Princess Deathmatch.

ROUND ONE:
SNOW WHITE VS. AURORA (AKA “THE SLEEPING BEAUTY”)



They sing, they dance, they become unconscious! Who will win this battle of inactivity?!

AURORA: 1
SNOW WHITE: 0

-Aurora lives in a cabin with some old women, falls asleep for a while and then wakes up after some guy saves her ass.
VS.
-Snow White lives in a castle as a servant, almost gets killed by some guy, stumbles stupidly around in a forest, befriends a bunch of animals, lives with a bunch of tiny fellows, gets tricked into eating an apple by a crotchety old woman, dies, and wakes up after some guy saves her ass.

Neither really gives us much to work with, so we’ll base this one on which is least insulting to the female gender.

Aurora sleeps for the greater part of the film because of a curse (bit stupid, but what can you do) and then is saved by her prince (bad: stereotype).

Snow White is a cleaning maid (not her fault) is helpless against an attacker (bad: stereotype) who ends up taking pity on her, then earns the trust of all the forest creatures (kind of cool), decides that it’s okay to sleep in someone’s cabin who she doesn’t know (bad: generally) as well as clean it (bad: stereotype, and also, that’s what you were doing before and you hated it. Why would you keep doing it?), and force its inhabitants to wash up (eh, s’okay, they needed it), gullibly and willingly eats poison (half and half; sort of endearing, but still stupid), dies (bad: generally), and then wakes up because of true love’s first kiss, which comes from a guy (bad: stereotype).

Being that Snow White is conscious for a longer period of time than Aurora is, she gets more time to be an embarrassment to our gender, thus making Aurora’s incapacitation a more positive alternative, which just makes the whole debacle pretty discouraging.  

AURORA: 2
SNOW WHITE: 0

So. Aurora. The entire kingdom loves her, but I think they’re sort of obligated to, perhaps even on pain of death. I mean, the king acts like a nice guy, but no amount of people would willingly bring gifts and sing songs about some brat just because she’s the princess. Unless, of course, they were being threatened. She’s pretty nice to the women she lives with, but the default personality attribute of nearly all of the Disney princesses is “nice”, so we can’t really recognize that one with any amount of significance. She’s obliging to the owl that fancies her (which, why does an owl fancy her, that’s weird) and sort of wistful and day-dreamy. Easily smitten with Prince Phillip; that’s another common princess characteristic, although she knows him, apparently “once upon a dream” (and from her very transient interaction with him as a child [which doesn’t even really count because he made a weird face at her]), but that explanation’s a bit of a cop out, isn’t it? And then of course, the prick of the finger. Yeah, yeah, the witch was influencing her with a spell just like that other witch was influencing Snow White, blah, blah. If you ask me, it’s just a way of getting around saying they’re both a bit dim. So, in summation: Aurora is nice, a bit absent, a bit easy, and a bit stupid. Also, she’s supposed to be 16? Give me a break. Look at them boobs for chrissakes.

Now a look at the Beauty’s competitor. When you think about it, they both sort of hate their current circumstances, either because of boredom or servitude, and they both wish for a love interest to take them away from it rather than getting themselves out. That’s a negative on both of you. For shame. Anyway; Snow White. Well, she’s a bit too trustworthy, isn’t she? First with that seedy looking man who almost shanks her in the flower field, then with the seven dwarves, which, that didn’t turn out badly, but it easily could’ve (I mean, they could’ve been a tiny tribe of cannibals or sex fiends or cannibal sex fiends, or fiendishly sexual cannibals), then with the creepy old lady. I mean, there’s compassion and tolerance and then there’s stupidity. Let her rest her feet or something, but don’t eat the goddamn apple. And of course, there’s the whole issue of perpetuating stereotypes with the cleaning and the cooking and the helplessness, and she’s just as easily wooed as Aurora. If a guy’s a prince and sings you a song, he has you in the palm of his hand apparently. So, essentially, Aurora and Snow White occupy the same basic character design, but (as before), because Snow is conscious for longer we get to see her be even more nice and absent and easy and stupid. And ‘nice’ don’t pay the rent.

AURORA: 3
SNOW WHITE: 0

This one isn’t even a contest. Who has the better company; Aurora, watched over by three fairies; MAGICAL FAIRIES, or Snow White, who gets seven workaholics and some squirrels. Granted that the fairies gave her kind of shitty gifts when she was a baby, but still, they’re MAGIC. They keep her from DYING. Snow White’s posse can show you a narrow array of emotions or help you clean. I don’t think so.

AURORA: 4
SNOW WHITE: 0

I can’t say much of Aurora’s Phillip. He’s courageous, handsome, sings, and that’s about it. There really isn’t anything to go off of with him. Snow’s guy, on the other hand, whose name I do not know? Well, I could make some assumptions. His face looks a bit suggestive in that picture, doesn’t it? And he watches Snow White, hiding himself behind a wall, before sneaking up on her when her back is turned. Also, she’s around 14-years-old in the movie, and judging by the size of her breasts, she’s either absent a period or has just gotten one. What does he want with a prepubescent girl? He has now stacked up two potential –philias in his name. Aurora wins once more given that Snow White’s hubby is something of a massive creeper.

AURORA: 5
SNOW WHITE: 0

NO POINTS AWARDED

White could try to devise some elaborate plan utilizing the dwarves to surround and overpower Aurora, but as is aforementioned, she’s a bit slow. The dwarves wouldn’t be much help on their own either, considering the smartest among them (Doc) is still something of a twat. Snow White could throw them at her at the very least, but if we assume that her opponent can use fireballs and weapons and kung fu (which I think we can), that would be of little help. My guess is that Aurora would probably bust out the big guns (literally) straight off and just blow Snow White away, with enough time to have sex with her non-creepy husband on a cloud or something.

AURORA: 6
SNOW WHITE: 0

VICTOR:
AURORA (AKA “THE SLEEPING BEAUTY”)

ROUND ONE COMPLETE

NEXT TIME: JASMINE VS. MULAN
THE MINORITY SHOWDOWN